vicoprofen

there are no excuses for why i act the way i do. i’m jealous, yes. but it goes beyond that. i’m yours forever. i wish that words would be able to put some meaning into the way i feel about that. i wish that statement actually meant something with feeling. it can. but its hard to see it from my perspective. i just want to be able to show you how much i care and how much you mean to me. we are one. i am you. you are me. that is truly the way i feel. we dont have a relationship in our eyes. i think that relationships are an option. a choice. to me, i never had a choice. you are all. everything. my god and my goddess. my prince and my princess. your the taro card pointed towards a waning moon on a warm night. luna calls to us. she beckons you and i to be one with her. one day we will rule the stars. or even just a Few of the stars. i think that we can rule this planet too„ if we play our cards right. i cant stop crying. i have a headache and it is too hot in my room. the only time i would appreciate it being warm is if we had our ac cut off and we were lying next to one another. naked, holding one another. i want to experience everything with you. and i know that you feel the same. i just want to know that you do. i need you to show me. i want you to put forth effort. i feel like you love me effortlessly. not to say that loving you takes work, because it doesnt. i love you easily. we are a perfect match. i mean effort as in i want to go out of my way to show  you how much you mean to me. every day. if something hurts you, i’ll fix you. i’ll fix it so it will never hurt you again. if something makes you angry, i’ll make it (or attempt) to make it make you happy. i want to fix myself. i want to strive for a wonderful future. i want us to be that future. to be our future. i want to be your slave. i want to be your master. i want to cut your hair. i want to dress you. i want to make love to you. i want to kiss you. i want to hold you by the waist while we dance. i want to dance with you at our wedding. i want to go insane with you. i want to read with you. i want to read to you. i want to read to our children. i want you to want to tell me these things. i want to get you out of your shell. i want you to not be scared to tell me anything. i want for us to live for a long time. and we will.

everything just gets worse and worse when i cant see you. i start thinking thoughts like i’ll never see you again. and even if i could see you again and if we had that opportunity that you wouldnt want to anyway.

i dont want to be putting all my effort in and feeling like sometimes youre not giving any back.

i’m thinking about killing myself again. its such a task. that thought. its the worst thought someone could think. i’m too scared to do it. because i wonder, what if you did miss me. i know that you would. so it would be hard for me to want to do it. but at the same time. i know that you would be happier without having to deal with me. so i wonder.

i guess i should make one of these my personal blogs.